journal 2

[find a direction for your heart and soul] Finding God at the end of the curving pathway. Starts. Stops. Starts, again. Stalls. Hurries. Turns, seemingly, backwards. Lurching. Wandering. Sliding. Seeking him at awful cost. You’d like a little bit of both directions in life. It would be easier, you reason. You’d like two maps. One for him and one for you. The ability to change directions on a whim. Command the wind upon your sail.

“Life, take me that direction. Take me where I want and let me feast my eyes on the destinations I desire.” Two maps, please. My directions. My commands. My boat, tortured in the black swallowing torrent. Swept up in faulty logic and snapped in two. Finding God with my two maps as lucky as getting struck by lightening, twice.

All of something, such a bold term in today’s vocabulary. Almost, something that the majority of people have lost, a sense of dedication beyond obligation. A deep passion that’s renewed with the rising of the sun each day. A sense of hope based on promise. A covenant knowledge deeper than good feelings. Security that takes the pressures of life and shrugs.

Finding him, we never let go. Or, do we, in hopes that it doesn’t, in fact, require our all, loosen our grip a smidge day by day ever so slightly. Until we find ourselves there, again at that place. Holding two maps, compounding directions. Knowing all along the right answer. The god of the halfway sought. Halfway believed. Halfway repented. Halfway prayed. All halfway, so, over time, nowhere. A familiar bleakness.

He, the destination. He, the daily prize. He, the relationship. Him, found. The gladness. The relief. The peace. The motivation. The all. He, driving away the halfway bit by graceful bit. A true treasure worthy of every all. The weakness of my seeking, strengthened. I sit, burning the other map, hopefully long enough not to put it together again. Praying for a single direction long enough to make it home. God, take away the division.

“But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy‬ ‭4‬:‭29‬ ‭NIV‬‬